If Only
by chocokat13
Summary: Emma's married life with Spinner was doing absolutely great - but what'll happen to their relationship when some tragic news about Sean makes it's way back to her? ONE-SHOT


**So this is a decently long one-shot about Emma's life with Spinner and how it would change if she got some...news back about Sean.  
>Warning - for people who can be sensitive, this story might make you cry. Possibly.<br>Enjoy it all the same though!**

If Only

**I.**

"Happy Anniversary."

Emma awoke to the quiet voice of her husband who was lying beside her. She turned over onto her other side to look at him and gave him a tired smile.

"Happy One Year Anniversary," Emma murmured back to him.

It was hard for both of them to believe that they had even lasted this long. They had given themselves only three months until they called up the divorce lawyer again. However, Emma and Spinner managed to make it through a year without any serious couples' drama.

The only thing that ever seemed to come in between the two of them was Emma's school and Spinner's job. Emma would spend all morning and the majority of the afternoon at TU, studying as much as she could about the environment, and in the evening, Spinner would go to work as the manager of a new pizzeria in downtown Toronto. They had very hectic schedules, and it was often hard to find time for each other.

Though they always enjoyed the time they spent together in the late hours of the day. Spinner would return home around midnight, where he would find Emma still awake and working on homework. She would take a break from her work and then they would sit down on the couch together and watch television until they fell asleep.

Luckily for them, it was a summer weekend, therefore Emma didn't have school, Spinner didn't have to go to work, and they could spend the entire day just basking in each other's presence.

"Shall I prepare my traditional scrambled eggs for you, my darling?" Spinner asked, sitting up slowly and looking down at his wife.

"Somebody is going extra heavy on the romantics today," Emma remarked as she too sat up. "But yes, you do that."

Spinner smiled. "Two plates of scrambled eggs, coming up." He leaned in and gave Emma a quick peck on the lips before getting out of bed and trudging down the metal stairs to the kitchen area.

Emma rested the back of her head against the headboard, closing her eyes. She was remembering the beautiful beach wedding she and Spinner had had, Manny singing the song for their first dance, them sneaking away from the party to dance by the water.

Then a different beach wedding was playing through her head. Her hair was overly curled but there wasn't a strand out of place, and her dress was a light shade of purple. A slow song is playing, but she has nobody to dance with until her eyes fall on the boy leaning awkwardly against a tree. She smiles and makes her way over to him. It's hard to remember the words exchanged between them, but soon they find themselves dancing together, something they hadn't done in a long time. Their foreheads brush against each other's as they both lean in, and then their lips are moving softly against each other's, and Emma is surprised by how good she feels. They pull away slowly, but they rest their foreheads against each other's, keeping their eyes close as the music quietly continues in the background.

Emma frowned as the memory fades away. She hadn't thought about Sean in a long time; why all of a sudden now did he have to pop up in her memory? Why on the day of her anniversary?

"Hey, Emma?" Spinner called up to her.

Still dazed by her memories, it took Emma a moment longer to respond. "Yeah, what is it?"

"We're out of eggs - I'm going to run to the store really quick, okay?"

Emma nodded, and then realized he couldn't see her. "O-okay! Come home soon!"

She listened closely as she heard the door to the loft open and then close before getting up from the bed and tiptoeing to the corner of her and Spinner's bedroom. An untouched box rested there, the dust gathering. Emma had brought it from her parents' house but never opened it since she packed it.

Keeping her face away from the box incase it sprayed dust into her face, Emma tentatively opened the box. When it seemed as if she wouldn't get very messy from it, she opened it up completely and pulled out a few objects from the box while looking for one item specifically.

When she found it, she clutched it tightly in her hands for a while. Then, after a few more minutes of wondering if she really should open the Sean drawer in her mind, Emma opened the hard cover of the Yearbook. It was from Eighth Grade year, and Emma flipped through the old pages with a smile on her face.

At last she reached the Eighth Grade Memories page, and she stopped to scan every photo. She saw pictures of Toby and JT (remembering JT caused a lump to form in Emma's throat) and Liberty, ones of her and Manny. Then there was the one she was looking for - one of her and Sean, with her arm wrapped around his waist and her chin up, smiling broadly, and Sean is looking slightly bored but has his arm around Emma's shoulders.

A sudden loud knocking on the door to the loft makes Emma drop the hardcover book in surprise, and she stands up quickly, forgetting that she is still dressed in her pajamas. She makes light padding sounds as she runs down the metal stairs and across the shiny wood floor to the door. Running her fingers through her tangled hair a few times, she then proceeds to open the door, a welcoming smile on her face.

But as Emma looks over who is at her doorstep, the smile fades and her brows pull together in confusion. "Can I help you?" she asks the grim-faced soldier.

The soldier opens his mouth to say something, but everything he is saying is ignored as Emma spies the yellow envelope in his hand. She can't understand what he's saying as he hands her the letter, which she accepts with shaky fingers.

She opens the flap of the envelope and pulls out the thin piece of paper, unfolding it and bringing it closely to her face to make sure she isn't making up the words she sees before her.

_Dear Miss Nelson,_

_We regret to inform you that your loved one, Sgt. S. D. Cameron was killed in action on the 21__st__ of June. The death was instantaneous and painless. Your loved one was apart of a raid against the enemy to retrieve supplies and a POW. The raid was successful, but the enemy open fired at our troops, and your loved one was shot in the chest and killed. His body was retrieved, however, and shall be shipped out to his family in a short amount of time._

_All of his fellow soldiers and all the Company sympathize deeply with your loss._

_Your loved one truly did do his duty out there and will be recognized by the Canadian Armed Forces._

_In true sympathy,_

_All Soldiers apart of the Canadian Armed Forces_

"No," Emma whispered. She shook her head. "No, this isn't possible." She hadn't seen Sean in almost four years; he couldn't just be…gone like this. Not without letting her say goodbye.

"I'm very sorry for your loss, ma'am," the soldier at her door said, his tone sympathetic and calm.

Emma was too shocked, too stunned, to react any other way than to just say the word 'no' repeatedly. Her face was blank, expressionless, and her mind was unable to take in the news.

"Okay, Em, I got the eggs -" Spinner cut off as he noticed the soldier blocking his way into the loft.

The man looked between the two of them and said, "My sincere condolences," before adjusting his hat and leaving.

Spinner watched the man go before turning his gaze back on Emma. "What's…what's going on? Emma?"

Emma's chest suddenly began to heave, and the tears were now pricking at her eyes. Sensing her distress, Spinner dropped his grocery bag on the ground, not caring if the eggs broke or not, and wrapped his arms around his wife. Emma buried her face in his shoulder, letting out a cry as the sobs racked her body. Spinner buried his face in her hair, realizing now why she was so upset.

"Shh, Em, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay," he whispered, smoothing down her hair repeatedly with one hand.

"It'll be okay."

**II.**

Emma lowered the filmy black net over her face, adjusting the small black hat on the top of her head. She tucked a few stray hairs back into her bun and smoothed down her soft black dress. She ran her fingertip under the rim of her eye, catching any smeared makeup on it. She turned the cold water on and rinsed off the black eyeliner from her finger before looking back up into the mirror.

This wasn't how she pictured seeing Sean again. She hadn't pictured herself dressed in all black, gathered around a large wooden coffin at a cemetery in Wasaga Beach with people crying around her. She hadn't pictured herself clutching onto Manny as if her life depended on it, forcing the tears to stay back.

She hadn't pictured herself married to a man she couldn't bear to look at now that _her Sean _was dead.

There was a knock on the bathroom door of the funeral home, and Manny's voice called softly, "Emma? Are you ready? The procession needs to get a move on soon…"

Emma sniffed to herself and pulled on her tiny black gloves, fixing her hat one last time before opening the door to find Manny with her ear pressed up against it. Her best friend took a step back to allow Emma to walk out, and then they walked together out the funeral home doors.

"Listen, Em…" Manny started off sounding as if she had some huge advice she could give, but her voice faltered. What was left to say that hadn't been said already? Apologizing wouldn't bring Sean back, and pointing out that she had Spinner now wouldn't make Emma feel any better about herself.

"Just hang in there today, okay? Remember, we're all here for you…and so is Spinner," Manny ended up saying, and she rubbed her best friend's arm soothingly.

Emma nodded absent-mindedly. Ever since the day she had found out about Sean's passing, she had been completely shutting everybody out, including Spinner. She felt horrible for doing that to him, especially since they were supposed to be happy and enjoying themselves that weekend, but he wouldn't understand how guilty she would have felt. They might as well have been dancing on Sean's grave if they didn't feel the least bit upset by his death.

But a huge reason why Emma couldn't even look at Spinner recently was her confused emotions. She had had four years to get over Sean, and when she married Spinner, she had figured she was definitely over him and ready to move on.

What clued her in to knowing that she still had something left for Sean were her random thoughts about him the morning of her anniversary. Why else would he have popped into her mind if she hadn't been curious as to what life with Sean would be like right now?

So maybe she was wondering what it would be like to be Sean's wife instead of Spinner's. That didn't mean she doubted her feelings for Spinner…right?

And then there was the fact that soldier had come to _her _door. It wasn't as if she had any connection to Sean at all, so why did they feel the need to bring her a letter and personally tell her about his death? Why didn't they just go to his parents' house, and then his parents could have told Emma? Why, in the letter, did they refer to Sean as her 'loved one'?

These were all questions Emma didn't know the answer to, and she would probably never find out the answers.

Emma let Manny lead her into her parents' car; she was supposed to be riding with Spinner, but she didn't think she'd be able to stand the tension without breaking down on him.

Manny and Emma slid into the backseat, while Spike and Snake road in the front with Snake driving. Outside, they heard a man shout something, followed by the sound of a gunshot. Slowly the procession started moving forward, and Emma let herself space out, not wanting to live in the present, but trying to not let her memories haunt her.

Manny nudging her brought Emma back to reality about ten minutes or so later. Emma looked around to see that the procession had stopped and that people were getting out of their cars and following a coffin being carried in the distance.

Taking a few breaths, Emma clutched Manny's elbow as she got out of the car and walked carefully along in her heels. She could see the top of Spinner's head a little bit ahead of her, but she didn't call for him or hurry up her pace to walk by his side.

They finally stopped at a large area full of greenery. The coffin was placed on top of a small platform, and people shuffled to gather around it. Emma was relieved to see Jay standing by Spinner's side, keeping the man company while she grieved away from him.

Spinner was never really a friend to Sean; as far as Emma knew, they had barely spoken to each other before. But Spinner wasn't here to mourn Sean like Emma, Jay, and Manny were - no, he was here to support them all, even though it seemed like none of them needed his help. This made Emma feel guilty again, and she tore her eyes away from Spinner to look at the coffin.

The priest was droning on about something that she wasn't listening to, and Emma was finding herself feeling weary and tired. She didn't want to be standing here anymore, waiting for them to bury her Sean beneath the Earth, where she would never see him again. She didn't want to hear people sharing their memories of him, because it would only remind Emma of how much she had missed him, and how she would never get a chance to tell him that she had.

The sound of gunshots made Emma jump, and she looked to see the line of soldiers holding their guns up in the air. One of them shouted something, and they fired again. After a moment, two soldiers picked up the flag that was resting across the coffin, and they began to fold it. Once it was folded into a perfect triangle, they turned around and were suddenly walking towards Emma.

"No, no," she shook her head as she realized they were going to give her the flag. "Not me."

They seemed a little confused, but after a moment, their blank faces were on again, and they handed the flag to Mrs. Cameron, who was in tears. Mr. Cameron wrapped an arm her shoulders, squeezing them and holding her while she cried.

The soldiers were lifting up the coffin again, and Emma watched as they walked around the platform to wear a giant hole was already dug. Slowly and carefully they placed the coffin down into it, being very gentle. They let the coffin drop, and then they straightened up and fired their guns again.

Spike was standing on Emma's other side and noticed when her daughter flinched at the loud sounds that emitted from their guns. She reached and took her daughter's hand, rubbing it gently with her thumb.

The tears were forming in Emma's eyes again, and this time she relinquished, letting them flow from her eyes noiselessly. She clutched Manny's arm tighter, and her best friend didn't complain as she wrapped an arm around Emma's shoulders. Emma let her head fall on Manny's shoulder, and Spike moved in to wrap a comforting arm around her shoulders too.

"He's gone," Emma whispered. "Sean's gone forever."

**III.**

A month later, Emma was still keeping to herself. Most days she would sleep in until noon, sometimes later, and she would barely open her mouth to speak to anybody. Spinner tried to get her to talk to him or to talk to somebody, like a grief counselor, but she refused. Not knowing what to do, Spinner asked for help from Manny, and she agreed to stay in town until Emma was back to her normal self.

Yet as the days slowly went by, everybody realized that Emma wasn't getting any better. Her skin was turning paler from lack of sunlight, and she had lost a few pounds from when she had refused to eat the first two weeks after the funeral. Nobody knew what to do for her anymore.

Along with the sorrow that was constantly eating away at her, there was still that lingering feeling of guilt. She hated what she was doing to Spinner, and she saw how hard he was trying to get her to open up to him, but it was just something she couldn't do. She could never confess how she had sort of liked being seen as important enough in Sean's life that they personally brought her a letter informing her of his death.

She could never confess that all of her feelings were jumbled now, that she hadn't remembered how much she had loved Sean until he was so cruelly taken away from her. She could never tell Spinner that her returning feelings for somebody that was now dead was screwing up her life and how she was supposed to be living it.

"Em?" she heard Spinner call her quietly.

Emma didn't sit up in the bed, and she didn't turn to look at him. Instead, she traced lines in the white linen, then clutched it in her hand as she buried the side of her head deeper into the pillow.

Spinner stood by the staircase and watched this, waiting for her to say something in reply, or at least acknowledge his presence. When she didn't, he said, "I'm going to work. I'm working the afternoon shift and the night shift today, so I won't be home until late." He paused, waiting again for her to say something. Again, nothing was uttered from her mouth. Spinner let out a sigh and murmured, "Well just…take care of yourself. There's some soup in the cabinet that you can heat up in the microwave and some leftover pasta in the fridge. Call me if you need anything." He stood and watched his wife's still form for a moment before turning his back to her and walking down the stairs and leaving the loft.

Emma didn't move from the bed as she kept her eyes focused on her hand, not wanting to think. Lately, the feelings that had been torturing her for weeks were starting to evaporate into nothing. She felt numb, and she was afraid to sit up incase her head felt heavy and weighed her down.

It was around one o'clock in the afternoon now, and Emma figured the mail must have come by now. Wrapping a shawl around her body, Emma trudged down the stairs and opened the door leading out of their loft. She opened the tiny door of their mail box, pulling out the letters inside. She closed the box and locked it with a key, and then retreated back into the darkness of her home. She skimmed through the envelopes, finding most of them to be bills or junk mail.

Suddenly, she stopped at a letter that was addressed to her in familiar chicken scratch. There were a bunch of stamps all over the envelope from traveling to different countries, trying in vain to find it's way to her. With her heart catching in her throat, Emma looked at the return address to make sure she wasn't imagining it.

Written in that familiar scrawl was the name, _Sean Cameron._

Her heart pounding wildly and feeling confused, Emma tore open the envelope and pulled out a piece of a paper that had writing on the front and back. Letting the envelope drop to the floor, she fell down onto the couch, sitting up right and sinking back into the cushions.

The date at the top of the paper read June 15th, and Emma realized with great sadness that he had written this about a week before his death. Holding the paper with her fingertips, Emma took a breath and began to read.

_Dear Emma,_

_I'm not sure why, but all of a sudden I felt the need to write you. I know that I've never done so before but…maybe this letter will make up for all of the letters I've written in my head but never written down and sent._

_There hasn't been a moment yet that I haven't thought about you. I hear your voice constantly in my head, lecturing me when I get into fights with some of the guys and complaining about the fact that I'm not a pacifist, and that if I was, I wouldn't be in this mess. _

_It's as if you're my conscience, and I can't help but smile every time I hear your nagging voice in my head._

_Wait, that probably didn't sound good. Now your voice is telling me what an idiot I am. But I know you're not being serious, because I can hear your laughter too._

_Like I said I would, I've shown off the picture of us to the guys at the platoon. They always say that I must be lucky to have such a pretty girl like you, and it takes a lot to remind them (and myself) that you aren't mine anymore. They seem surprised, and they often joke about how I should return as some sort of hero and sweep you off your feet. _

_But I know you were never one for heroes. In fact, you normally hated when people tried to look out for you. You can be so frustratingly independent sometimes, but I think that's one of your good qualities too._

_Tomorrow we will be preparing to go out on a raid. One of our guys was captured, and we have to get him back. To be honest, I am pretty nervous to go out there. I haven't been on any serious missions before, so this will be a whole new experience for me. I hope everybody will make it out okay. _

_I normally wouldn't be very concerned about myself, but right now, I am. Not just because I know there's so much more I have to do, but because I need to live. I need to live so that I can come home and finally gain people's respect. _

_Plus I want to be able to see you looking at me with that glow of pride in your eyes, the one that always made me feel like I could do anything. The one that made me feel like I wasn't just a piece of shit, but like I was special. Like I was actually worth something._

_I really miss you, Em, and…I need you to know that I love you so much. I know you don't feel the same way anymore, but I'm never going to stop feeling that way for you. We're always going to have that special bond as first loves, maybe even more than that. We've faced so many troubles, so many hardships, but lived through so many good moments. _

_And I was glad I got to live every single one of those with you._

_Hope to see or hear from you soon._

_- Sean _

_P.S. Enclosed is a picture of us. I want you to hold onto it._

Emma's hands were shaking violently as she reached for the discarded envelope again. Picking it up, she delicately pulled out the picture of them from four years ago. He was dressed in his uniform and giving the camera a tiny smile, and her hair is in long pigtails as she forces a smile even though inside she doesn't want him to go.

The tears are spilling out of her eyes now and onto the letter that is still in her hand. If only she had written him at least once, so he knew that she still had some kind of feelings for him.

If only she hadn't found out until now that she was always going to love him.

If only she could bring him back, just for a moment, so she could tell him she loved him too.

If only there was some way she could tell Spinner that she didn't know how to get over this.

If only there was some way that Emma could switch her life and have Sean at her side, the two of them happily married.

But there were no more 'ifs' in life.

And now Emma was left to deal with the aftermath of all of the mistakes she and Sean had together.

The biggest being their inability to tell each other how they truly felt.

**Author's Note: Yeah, I wasn't really sure how to end it...but I'm pretty proud of it considering it didn't take me that long to write it. What did you guys think? Let me know and review, please! :)**


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